Everyone wants to live with Jews. We’re witty, highly organized, and extremely adaptable to new environments. Two thousand years of exile has taught us how to make and maintain loving and uplifting homes for ourselves in new and strange places, including in the McGill Ghetto and Le Plateau-Mont-Royal. Even the goyim realize it, which is why so many of them want to live with us. That is, until Pesach rolls around.
In the leadup to Pesach, Jewish paranoia kicks into high gear. We obsess over the tiniest minutia:
vacuuming every last crumb from behind the couch, scrubbing the countertops until they shine, taping shut all of the drawers and cupboards that we have not meticulously scoured for traces of chametz. To those unfamiliar with these Jewish spring-cleaning rituals, the whole ordeal may appear absurd. As such, Jews sharing an apartment with gentiles have yet another responsibility in the lead-up to Pesach: preparing their roommates.
It is no easy task to convince gentile roommates to care about and observe the final boss of Jewish dietary restriction. However, with the right approach, it is indeed possible. To help, Nu Magazine has compiled a fool-proof guide for preparing your non-Jewish roommates for Pesach.
Ease them into it
It is not easy to go cold turkey on anything. That is why we suggest slowly weaning your non-Jewish roommates off of chametz several weeks in advance of Pesach. First, start with the easy stuff: Kitniyot. With the onset of the month of Adar, say goodbye to beans, rice, corn, and anything even vaguely wheat-adjacent. After Purim, no more beer. Then, progress to less obvious forms of chametz: Oatmeal in the morning? I don’t think so! Finally, on the first of Nissan, start your roommates on their new, strictly wheat-free diet. By the time Pesach actually begins, they will already be so constipated that they won’t experience any changes when you finally introduce them to matzah!
Host a mock seder for them
Sit your roommates down and explain to them that the massive crackers on the table are called the Bread of Affliction (sounds yummy, eh!) and that we eat it to celebrate our liberation from slavery. Then, hand them the maror and encourage them to take a big ol’ bite. Tell them that it is an insult not to taste the fullness of our ancestors’ bitter suffering in Egypt. Finally, gird your loins altogether and chow down on some delicious roasted meat. Out of respect for your roommates’ time, make sure to finish the seder before sunrise — but not a moment sooner.
Sell them your chametz
Let’s decentralize the chametz sale this year. Why does one dude get to own ALL of the Jewish community's bread? It’s too much power for one man. Instead, we propose selling your chametz directly to your non-Jewish roommate. If you don’t have one, sell it to mine. Seriously, sell it to him. He’s hungry.
Threaten them with Gefilte
Finally, to incentivize your non-Jewish roommates to observe the laws of Pesach in your apartment, inform them of the Gefilte clause: if they are caught bringing any chametz into the apartment during Pesach, they must throw it out immediately and instead eat an entire jar of Gefilte fish. Throughout the duration of Pesach, open several jars of Gefilte around the apartment, allowing the pungent scent of warm fish to waft into your roommates’ rooms, reminding them of their fate if they are so irreverent so as to break the rules.
Most importantly, remember that Pesach is a time for family celebration. For students living away from home, this means being together with chosen family, which sometimes includes individuals whose cultural and religious identities differ from our own. So, to all of the Jews living with gentiles and to all of those non-Jewish roommates who may all of a sudden be regretting their decision to sign a lease with a bunch of Jews: Chag Pesach Kasher V’Sameach!
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