It was the night of Purim, 5785. Our cheeks were flushed red from anticipation(and a little alcohol) as we embarked on a quest to discover all that Montreal had to offer in the way of extravagant Purim celebrations. However, as we trekked from one party to the next, all we found were awkward DJs, limp dance moves, and dubious eye contact from Yeshiva students over dance floor Mechitzahs. And so, channeling our disappointment toward the creation of a brighter future for Jewish jubilation, we offer the Jewish community of Montreal THE PARTY BIBLE: A comprehensive guide to throwing an unforgettable simcha.
Invite the Sephardim
I think we can all agree that Ashkies can learn a thing or two from the Sephardim about how to throw a proper simcha. First things first, the guests have to be fed. And herring, while delicious to some, is far from sexy. Chances are your bashert is somewhere in the crowd – it’d be a shame to scare them away with your schmaltzy onion breath! Instead, try hitting the dancefloor with a Moroccan cigar between your teeth. A Sephardic delicacy of succulent meat wrapped in a crispy philo chrysalis, this little treat is bound to get the party going. Wash it down with some Araq,and you’ll be dancing all night long!
Playlist
If your playlist couldn’t be played at your cousin Adam’s Bar Mitzvah, then what are you even doing? Each generation should be satisfied. We’re inclusive around here. This exhilarating mix of Jewish party music is bound to get everyone boogieing:
Omer Adam: We all know kids are the ones with the real moves, so put on some 2010’s Israeli pop and watch them absolutely shred the dance floor while you warm up on the side. Use that time to reminisce on “the good old days” before assignments and midterms started running your life.
If you're a single millennial and reading this, don’t miss the opportunity to take aux before great-aunt Debbie hunts you down on the dancefloor to set you up with her best friend’s grandson. Don’t be shy; play whatever your heart desires. Everybody’s going to hate it anyway!
Klezmer: Now that you’ve been dancing for a few hours, it’s time to introduce the final boss: Klezmer music! Put your drink down, grab your favourite Zaydee, and dance the rest of the night away in traditional Ashkenazi fashion! Make sure to really swing him around—Zayde didn’t get that hip replacement for no reason!
Dance Moves
No need to leave room for Jesus. He's not our man! Don’t get me wrong, Yoshke was a stellar dude. But the Moshiach? Come on now! Thank goodness our ancestors saw the truth. And because they did, we, their very distant pedigree, can dance together in peace without worrying about a disheveled ghost man trying to steal our dance partner. Hallelujah! Funky tunes are only half the battle—dancing is the real key to any memorable function. However, many Yidden seem to lack the coordination and goyishe confidence needed to develop the ability to boogie. So, let's look at the Tanakh for some choreographic inspiration:
Abel Atomizer
Grab your special someone, find an open space on the dance floor, and hand them a blunt object. Have your beloved Cain swing their arms violently (to the beat, of course!), *fake* pounding your head in as you, lying on the floor, begin seizing to the beat. Pro Abels would focus on the legs and shoulders for this one, making sure to pop and lock all joints as sharply as possible.
Shlomo Shuffle
For this one, every woman at the party must participate. Infamously, Melelkh Shlomo had 700 wives and 300 concubines (oy va voy!), all of whom maintained considerable influence over the wise King, even turning him into an idolater toward the end of his life. As such, all present women must take up the persona of one of Shlomo’s wives: The Queen of Moab, Ammon, Edom, Phoenicia, Sheba – there are SO many to choose from – and link arms in a circle on the dancefloor. Then, find the oldest, wisest man at the party and push him aggressively between yourselves like a pinball! Eventually, the man will collapse, at which point the sweatiest and frummest men from the Northern side of the dance floor are bound to erect a Mechitza. From then on, the party will be split into two distinct entities for the duration of the evening (or until the Assyrians hear all the noise from down the block…).
Throw it back like Miriam
Now, this is the OG. Grab a drum-like instrument of your choice, all your friends, and shake that booty! If Miriam had the energy to bust a move after being chased by the most powerful army in the world across a mucky seabed, you can,too. Don’t be shy, throw it back. We know you can do it.
So next Purim, when the DJs flop and the mechitzahs drop, don’t despair. Just follow the words of our bible, and your simcha is sure to be nothing short of an Achashverosh-level rager!
